she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
