Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
