i need an iv and a liver transplant
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
