I faked an abortion last night.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
