oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
