I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
