Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
