He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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