im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
