Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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