yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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