No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
