I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
