I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
