We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We're not piercing ourselves today.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
