I faked an abortion last night.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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