someone threw a dead crab at me
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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