So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
