Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
