You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
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Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
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The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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