You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
