Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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