Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
