Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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