he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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