Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
