People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
