i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
