were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
