You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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