Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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