Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
