A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
The power of my boobs compel you
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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