the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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