I wish my penis had an off switch
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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