dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
