Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
