My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Randomize
