I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
