how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
