Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
