I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
