I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
