Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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