i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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