God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
