ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
