Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
