I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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