Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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