He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
