she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
