My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
