wakey wakey hands off snakey
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
