Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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