Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
