I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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