When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I did not marry a roomba.
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