apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
