smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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