There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
