Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
