Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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