tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
