she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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